7

Dear How-To Penguin… (#1)

dear-how-to-penguin

Dear How-To Penguin:

I just moved into a new apartment with a new friend, and I’m SO confused!

Every morning, she comes home and locks herself in her room.  Her clothes are always smeared with grime, her makeup is always smudged halfway down her face, and she’s usually bleeding from at least one new wound!  Every evening just after the sun sets, she locks her room and leaves the apartment.

She swears she’s going “clubbing,” but I’m worried!  Is she a creature of the night?  Should I invest in garlic and metal collars?!  Please, help me–how do I proceed?

Sincerely,

Is My Roommate a Vampire?!

Dear Searching for Fangs–

Relax!  There’s no need to panic yet.  There are many reasons your roommate is acting shady, so let’s consider these first.

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Maybe your new friend really IS going clubbing!  After all, break dancers and perpetual klutzes alike spend a majority of their time on dirty floors.  This could explain the grunge and grime–dust and sweat make for a messy end to the evening!  And hey, don’t worry that she’s spending all night out on the town–those disco balls are hell on a person’s internal clock!

Or perhaps she’s caught in a modern day, star-crossed love affair!  Forbidden trysts almost always happen at night–there’s less chance the family and enemies will see them meeting up!  Keep an eye out for weird colored liquids and strangely shaped daggers; be ESPECIALLY wary if she begins talking in iambic pentameter!

Or she MIGHT be the hero, instead of a villain!  Does she sneak out with a cape and a big glittery letter hidden under her clothes?  Does she often pop into telephone booths only to disappear into thin air?  Has she taken on a freelance job at the local newspaper office and turned in some awesome up-close captures of the local do-gooder?  Take note, if so.

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Still concerned?

Here are some questions for you.  If you say “no” to all of these, your roommate is probably not a vampire.

Does her tongue unfold into a mosquito needle stinger snake creature of horror?  (see The Strain by Guillermo del Toro and Chuck Hogan, or the Dark Sky series, by Amy Braun)

Does she turn into a bat and fly off into the darkness of night? (see Dracula, by Bram Stoker)

Do flowers and plants wither and die when she’s around? (see the Dark series, by Christine Feehan)

Is her humanity switch flipped off?  (see The Vampire Diaries)

Do you live in Forks, WA?  Are you best friends with a wolf-shifter?  Are you pregnant with a half-demon child?!  (see The Twilight Saga, by Stephenie Meyer)

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Are you STILL feeling wary?  Pick a number between 1 and 5…and then do as instructed.

–1 Set off the fire alarm–the brighter the sun is, the better!  Even the most novice vampire can’t handle more than a few minutes in sunlight.  If she turns to dust, problem solved!  Just sweep her up and tell nooooobody what happened.

–2 Cut yourself, leave a blood trail all over the apartment, and knock on her door!  I mean, she might eat you, but at least you’ll have your answer.

–3 Break into her room and stake her.  She’ll be dead!  And…nothing can hurt you in prison, even if she’s human.  Right?!…

–4 Yank out all of her teeth.  I’d recommend heavily drugging her first, just in case.  Also, invest in some of those rubber fake teeth.  If she’s human…apologize profusely and then knock her out until she heals.  If she’s vampire…well, no one’s ever been gummed to death!

–5 Shrug it off.  After all, she hasn’t bitten you yet!  If she IS a vampire, she’s either finding her meals outside the apartment or she’s on a hunger strike.  Don’t push your luck!

Happy Hunting!

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4

Would You Rather? (Book Tag)

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As found on Fadwa @ Word Wonders’ post right over here!

Let’s jump right into this!

The Questions:

1. Would you rather ONLY read trilogies or ONLY read stand-alones?

Oh boy.  I’m such a huge mood reader this question is already testing my limits. Let’s see… I’m going to say probably stand-alones, that way I don’t have the dreaded sequel wait to deal with!

2. Would you rather only read male or female authors?

Well this one’s easy enough!  I read WAY more female authors already, so female for the win!

3. Would you rather shop at Barnes and Noble…or Amazon?

If I had unlimited amounts of funds and time, I’d SO live in Barnes and Noble.  Unfortunately, especially right now…I find I have enough trouble affording books.  So Amazon, because I can get awesome deals on ebooks through them.

4. Would you rather books were made into TV shows or movies?

Uhm…. I dunno, neither?! LOL no no I’m kidding.  But to be honest, I have favorites from both (Pretty Little Liars, Under the Dome, IT, Harry Potter….) so… EHHHHH?!

5. Would you rather read only 5 pages per day…or 5 books per week?

Well…considering I can ALREADY do this (when I’m not in book slump hell, that is, like I am right now…) I’m going to say 5 books per week.  My TBR pile would fly by SO QUICKLY that way!

6. Would you rather be a professional author, or reviewer?

Professional reviewer FOR SURE!

7. Would you rather be a librarian or a bookseller?

YES!

8. Would you rather only read your favorite genre…or every genre BUT your favorite?

Well… to be fair, I don’t really HAVE a favorite genre per se?  Does that mean that I can still read ALL TEH THINGS?! Cause I’m cool with that.

9. Would you rather only read ebooks, or physical books?

Ebooks!  I fly through them SO MUCH FASTER than physical books for some reason?  I don’t know why this is…maybe I’m just a really slow page turner.

10. Would you rather read a love-at-first-sight romance, or an intense love triangle romance?

UGH.  These are like…the two worst evils in my opinion?  So I choose neither…unless we’re talking The Infernal Devices, in which case I say ALL THE YES.

I Tag:

Whoever the heck else wants to join in this madness!  (Which should be everyone, in my opinion!)