8

Tip of the Iceberg, Broken into Bits (Trigger Warning)

*******GUYS, please: Serious trigger warning is serious, as is the mature content filter.  They are there for a reason.  DO NOT go into this read if triggered by: sexual abuse/assault; emotional abuse; suicide threats; self harm.  Do not be alarmed:  I AM NOT with this guy any longer. But I got to thinking about this poem tonight, and how much I wish people could understand that it’s not always as easy as “just leaving” when it comes to abusive or toxic relationships, and I felt the need to share.  This is my story; please take a moment, if you’re willing, to read, to think, to try to understand…and to be kind.

Copyright Elizabeth Mathis, 2015; originally posted on deviantart right HERE.********

he’s I need you, I love you,
zero to engaged in less than a week,
your family’s approval already in hand
when the festivities stop
and he drops to one knee
no chance to think, no chance to back down–
he settled for second best all through high school,
there’s no chance he’s letting you slip by him now

he’s don’t let me go tears
when you’re dropped back at school,
the strokes of his fingers
smeared invisible over your skin,
the mark of his lips a painting only you see,
his ring a branded burden you’re not sure how to share
because when you left for home a month ago
you belonged to someone else

he’s handcuffed and carted away
just down the block from the theater over spring break
and you, already a mess of dependence
cheeks streaked with the weight of your heart,
wonder just what you’re getting into…but let the thought go
smoke on the wind
like the breaths of the cigarettes
you’ve become second-hand addicted to

he’s talks to people you don’t know
about your size, your shape,
the way your curves dip and hollow
because there are things he wants to do
but he’s not sure how
and he needs to know
to make it good;
he’s secrets told to people you don’t trust
because in his search for confidence
the only thing he knows how to focus on
is your body
and the places
only he can see

it’s he asks an online friend of yours
if she’d be the final piece
in a threesome
and you, uncomfortable
and burning red,
cross your fingers
and squint your eyes
and pray that she says no
because you can’t refuse him anything
but she can

he’s all smiles summer break,
hand holds and inappropriate public gropes
you can’t help but giggle over
discomfort be damned, discomfort go to hell,
he pushes shirts above your midriff
and calls you sexy, babygirl, doll…
stomach-flips and heart turnovers, please always stay!
but somewhere between the Wyoming/Colorado border
on your way to visit Dad and fam in autumn Vegas
something subtle shifts, shuffles, slides
into something worse

the first time you doubt the crazy stranglehold love
you leave blood on white carpet
in little sister’s bedroom,
ice and paper towels and panic at midnight
until it comes out

he’s tightening his hold
on the leash you didn’t know you were wearing,
nights spent at home, fits and phones thrown
at the floor
when you speak up, take a stand, change your mind;
friend lists growing smaller,
black abyss opening

you define codependence returning to college,
red-rimmed eyes and hiccupping sobs
when the car pulls away;
the summer is over
and so, you find out mere weeks later,
is the honeymoon

can’t sleep up all nights
calling despite your classes, your work, your lack of dreams
because he needs you–
the manipulation starts quiet, innocent, innocuous
and then it isn’t

“send me sexy pictures, please?”
and you do, countless baths
and phone on silent
because the roommates are just outside the door;
“tell me when to cum, babe”
ragged breathing, gasping words,
and you whisper
because the roommates are all in bed
and they can’t know your shame;
“get on webcam with me”
and you glance at the clock
and count the time you have,
is it long enough?  what if it’s not?

it’s he wants to send your pictures
to men from magazines
because you’re sexy enough to make the spread
except really
he just wants to sell you
because he can’t find or keep a job

and it goes on
and it gets worse
and you
break
down

first time:
“I’m such a jackass, babe.”
“why do you say that?”
“I went over there for friendship, and slept with her instead.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I won’t do it again.”

he’s apologies and sorrow
and a thousand missed texts when you forget your phone;
you let it slip, forgive and (try to) forget,
the voice in the back of your head
whispering, whispering, whispering things you ignore

second time:
“I didn’t mean to, I swear.
I just miss you.
Maybe if you send more pictures,
got on webcam with me,
got me off again
I wouldn’t be so tempted.”

he’s flowers and gifts, voicemails and emails,
and you try harder, you do what he says,
you spend nights at home on your computer and phone
and forget there’s another world
outside your relationship, your school, and your job

third time:
“I told you this would happen.”

and he yells at you:
you’re a bitch, you’re a slut,
you’re a whore opening her legs
to every guy in that dumb college town
and then he falls asleep,
ignores your calls until morning
and the world moves on

fourth time:
“if you don’t do
what I’m telling you to,
I’m going out and finding someone who will.
I did it before,
I’ll do it again.”

and he rubs it in every time you make him angry,
how easy it was to slip between her thighs,
how good it felt to forget you for a while…
for the first time since this started, you wonder
if this is the reason he keeps “single” on his facebook,
if this is the reason he avoids going out
when you’re home with him

fifth time:
“you stupid fucking slut,
all you women are the same,
can’t keep your zipper up
and your thighs closed”

he yells at you for talking to your mom,
he yells at you for talking to your ex,
he yells at you for talking to your friends,
he yells at you for talking to your roommates,
he yells at you for going out with your roommates,
he yells at you for having friends,
he yells at you for your roommates having friends,
he yells at you for your roommates inviting people over,
he yells at you for having a life outside of him,

he
yells
at
you
for
being
you

and you’re leaving your phone at home,
silencing it to get two hours of sleep,
ignoring texts and sobbing when nobody else is around
because you aren’t sure when things got so bad,
you aren’t sure what you’re doing wrong,
you aren’t sure what more you can give up to make him happy

connections made over the holidays
turn into paranoia, jealousy, anger;
choking on the end of your thread,
his marionette, you make a stance
and flee his company for just one night
because your mom told you to strike it on your own,
your mom thinks you’re in too deep,
your mom is concerned
he’s taking you over
and drowning you

hours later, his brother finds you laughing:
“he said you’d know where to find him,”
as he slips the wedding band,
a heavy burden you’re being strangled by,
into the palm of your hand
“said you’d know what to do with it”

you find him in the basement
smoke in mouth, eyebrows furrowed,
knife in hand and drawing across his skin,
a portrait of pain
he knows how to wield;
when you lead him to bed,
you make sure he leaves the knife
on the dryer

“if I ever find out we break up
because of that bitch mom of yours
I’ll kill her”
and your heart stops, just a moment,
before you let it go,
a moment of unbridled anger
hurled into hurtful words

“one month,”
he says the end of Christmas–
“if you can go one month
without talking to that bastard ex of yours
I won’t say anything more about it”

so you promise (sort of)
and you stick to it (for a day)
and you decide to sneak around
because damnit, if he can be friends
with all the girls he’s dated,
with all the girls he’s slept with,
with all the girls he knows
or doesn’t know
or wants to know
then why can’t you keep just ONE THING
for yourself?

your birthday
and he’s morose because it’s 21
and your roommates want to take you out,
to get you drunk,
to get you to at the very least have fun
but no, he doesn’t like that,
you can’t drink unless he’s there,
your first drink has to be with him

he’s quiet excitement, a manic happy
you can’t puzzle out over the phone
and someone knock, knock, knocking
at your front door

SHIT, you panic, SHIT
because he’s telling you to answer it
and the ex is coming over
to hang out, to celebrate, to give you five seconds of sane
in the insanity your life has derailed into
and if he finds out, if it’s HE at the door,
how are you going to handle
the blowup?

“go open the door!”
and you aren’t sure what to say
because there’s the ex
but he on the phone hasn’t explained,
hasn’t exclaimed,
hasn’t said
anything
and you stand, stupid, mouth open
eyes wide

“happy birthday, babygirl”
“I… what?”
“I’m giving Bau back to you”
“…I don’t understand?”
“he’s your birthday present”

as if people can be presents,
as if his friendship was up for the giving
just like that,
as if HE has any say
in who you’re friends with
in the first place

no, look deeper:
HE contacted the ex
(numbers he stole out of your phone
without permission,
you find out–numbers for the ex,
and your roommates,
and anyone else he thought you might
like to contact,
numbers he used
to manipulate and abuse
the people who were close to you)

he’s angry again, he’s angry all the time over
you no longer know what about,
and this time, he won’t let you explain;
“maybe I’ll just go throw myself
into traffic”
and the phone clicks
and the phone rings
and rings
and rings
and rings
and
r
i
n
g
s

the night is desperate, hourless,
you a wreck of nerves
and heartache
and the click of his voicemail;
in the morning, the sun dawns
and the world turns on still…
almost a full 24 hours later
you learn he was fine the whole time,
passed out and ignoring you

he’s kicked out of your moms house–
the last straw, the final nail in his coffin of hate–
and you, miles away, book a ticket
to his parents
because now that he needs them,
he’s willing to forgive, he’s willing to forget,
he’s willing to put his faith back in them

it’s your mom and brother ransack the bedroom
he was staying in
to get the stink of his stuff from their sight
and find your shame laid out:
packages stolen from strange mailboxes,
jewelry swiped from your mom’s drawers,
boxers knicked from little brother’s room;
pictures printed off college campus computers
you naked and baring all;
blow up doll shoved into the closet,
rubber mouth an O of deflated desire;
toys and swimsuits and lingerie and little blue pills
he never got around to giving you or using

and it’s almost finals week
and he’s planted his feet,
fingers digging into your neck
despite the miles,
jaw set in determination

you’re plans set to move to Colorado with him
his mom and stepdad excited,
looking into bus tickets, wanting you there;
your family, unstable and buckling,
calling to convince you not to go
because once you get there,
you’re stuck,
no job no friends no help no nothing but him
and that can’t be what you really want

the beginning of the end,
you’ve reached the frayed edges of the rope
you’ve been clinging so desperately to
he yells at you again
for calls to your mother, for advice listened to
that wasn’t from him
and you call his stepdad to try to understand

only one line stands out to you
from the mess of conversation that followed,
his stepdad cool and confident on the line
convinced you’ll do the right thing

“it was wrong of him to tell you
you can’t speak to your mom; she’s family,
it’s something we’re working on
but once you get down here,
you aren’t going to know anyone
it’ll just be you and him
and that’s all you’re really going to need”

five seconds of talk–
a new spin on the life you thought you were working for

you panic–SHIT–
what did you get yourself into
and how the hell
do you get yourself out of it?
because once you get down there,
you’ll never leave
and you realize it now;
no back to school in the autumn,
no going home to see mom,
no anyone you’ve ever known
or anything you’ve ever needed

you’re type 1 diabetic
and you know you haven’t done your best by yourself with it
but what if you get down there
and can’t afford your medications?
your test strips?
your supplies?
what if you get down there
and can’t afford to pay
for your right to keep your life?

it’s a burden of a different sort,
a stroke of epiphany you can’t shake off,
a sudden understanding that you’ve put it all on the line
for a guy who can’t handle treating you well
and what for
but heartache at the end
of a very long road

and you

f
i
n
a
l
l
y

leave

everything

in

silence

23

5 Strange Facts About ME!

Hello! to all my new followers.  And a shout out to all of you who’ve been with me from the beginning–you all rock my awkward webbed toes, so thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for being such supportive penguins!

It’s been a while since my last “introducing ME” post, so today, I thought we’d switch things up a little.  Without further ado, I give you

5 Strange Facts About ME!

(I mean, besides the whole webbed toes thing.  That was a freebie.)

I am the QUEEN of weird dreams.

Let me just give you a tiny teaser taste, yes?

The weirdest dream I’ve ever had went a little something like this:

I was working with some sort of childcare service.  We were (for some unknown reason) hanging out in an abandoned building.  One of the kids we were watching over went missing, and I volunteered to go searching for him/her.  After several grueling minutes of yelling their name and hard-listening…someone started following me.  Of course, I ran–and wound up in a dank, dirty, dim bathroom.  As I stood there, thinking, the door swung open and an older gentleman came into the room.  By this time, I was through with the games–I wanted answers, I wanted the kid, and I wanted to leave.  Instead of being afraid of the old man (who, just five minutes prior, had been chasing me through this creepy place), I became angry.  I decided (rather spur of the moment, and once again, for some very odd reason I can’t explain now) that it would be GREAT fun…to pull his face from his skull.  I reached up, grabbed hold of his ears, yanked!….

and found a floating goldfish beneath his skin.

Like I said, QUEEN of odd dreams.  Anyone want to try to decipher that for me?  I still don’t know what it meant.

I suffer from chronic night terrors.

By chronic, I mean I have AT LEAST two a week–sometimes more, depending on stress levels.  What I “see” during these terrors varies, though usually it’s either spiders…or shadow people.  There’s a rather large, domed ceiling light that hangs right above where my feet hit the bed when I’m lying down, and I see a LOT of large, distorted faces there.  I also see people standing either above the bed…or sitting out in the living room, which is just through the doorway.  Of course, the spiders thing I don’t need to explain, I don’t think.

The night terrors I’m used to; I’ve been having them since I was in middle school, and usually handle them pretty well.  (I mean…sometimes I don’t realize what’s happening until I’m out of bed and halfway toward the front door, but…meh. That’s a rare thing these days.)

I also, on rare occasion, have episodes of sleep paralysis.  These are worse than the terrors.

I don’t, in general (as I’m sure you might have guessed), get a whole lot of restful sleep.

I am allergic to metal.

In fact, my skin is SO sensitive, I can’t even wear the cheap hypoallergenic crap without breaking out in less than five minutes.  My ears are ESPECIALLY bad–which is why I stopped wearing earrings.  I also can’t wear my wedding band (it’s cheap metal, too, because we can’t afford a real one at this time.)  My medical alert bracelet is made from para cord…and my glasses frames are plastic.  I have learned these things the hard way.

I am also highly sensitive to certain types of dog drool, and will break out in hives if those breeds slobber on me TOO much.  Which…happens easily, because I love dogs and can’t help but love on them.

I have a VERY creative imagination. 

And often go on long-winded, abstract tangents if I get too bored (or if I’m in the midst of a hyper attack.)

I once spent an entire lunch break (back when I actually got lunch breaks) telling the husband about the Caw Father and his Raven Wing Mafia.

It is ALSO during such moments I reinvent well-known songs…usually with zombies.  For example:

(sung to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Nomming on some blueberries,
juice staining my hands.
I went in for another bite
when the dead rose from the land!
I let out one loud yell,
grabbed my shotgun up
but I didn’t move fast enough–
I guess my brains are lunch!
Oh chew chew chew,
crunch, crunch, crunch–
there’s teeth marks on my veins.
I lost my stomach yesterday…
let’s fill it with some brains!

I will admit, there MIGHT be something wrong with me.

I don’t get “brain freeze”…

And by this I mean I TOTALLY get brain freeze…in my back.

Seriously, I always know a brain freeze is headed my way because the base of my spine literally cramps up.  This pain?  Radiates toward my kidneys (maybe I have metal kidneys?!) and is WORSE than any brain freeze I’ve ever experienced.  I don’t know why this happens; if someone has an idea, or an explanation, I’d LOVE to hear it, because I’m baffled.  Sometimes, it gets so bad, I have to kneel on the floor and curl up over my knees–there’s no simple solution like a soft pallet to the spine.  It just doesn’t work that way!

There you have it!

5 things you probably didn’t know about me…and probably don’t care about one way or the other, now that you DO know!

Thank you SO much for reading, guys!  Let me know in the down below what the weirdest fact about YOU is (I mean…if you wanna.)  And tell me:  Am I the strangest person you know yet?  If not, I need to up my game.

Until next time, happy book-ing!

New Sig

25

You Guys ROCK!

I just realized I’ve reached 300 followers on wordpress–to all my fellow bookish penguins, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I feel like I don’t interact with a lot of you often enough, though, so here’s what we’re gonna do.  In the comments, feel free to leave me:

  1. Any one question you most want me to answer (can be about me, about books, about penguins…whatever, it’s your choice!)
  2. Leave me a link to your favorite post from your own blog.
  3. Tell me a little about yourself–favorite book?  least favorite character?  most beautiful cover (in your opinion)?  Again, anything goes–I’d love to get to know you all better!

Thank you again, guys–happy booking!

New Sig

11

In My Headphones–TAG!

SP3

I was tagged by the ever-wonderful Lauren @ Wonderless Reviews to do this tag.  Thanks, Lauren–my musical penguins thank you for enabling my addiction.

The Rules:

  • List the first 10 songs that come on shuffle (no skipsies).
  • Then write your favorite lyric (or verse) from each song.
  • Tag/link others

The Songs:

The titles link to the song on YouTube in case you want to hear!

Shadows, by Breathe Carolina

All of me is wrapped around you
They will never hold you like I do
A thousand suns will stay and melt
Our shadows into one
Now I want it all

Sleep Baby Sleep, by Broods

Ignorance is torture but your love is right
Tip to tip a gentleman of the night
Feed my fascination a way our skin likes silk
And I’m still filled with wonder you could fool me easily so

A Thousand Years, by Christina Perri

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Smoke, by PVRIS

You’re just a ghost of blissful feelings,
A cloud of smoke that I keep breathing,
An illusion, I’m losing you to the games in my mind.
I see your face, an apparition,
But now it’s changed,
Shape shifting,
Don’t wanna open my eyes.

Silence and Scars, by Pop Evil

I know I’ve been wrong; I don’t have all the answers
I’m stuck in this hell somewhere in between
What I want and what I need; I don’t have a good reason
Now that you’re gone only silence and scars remain

All of My Days, by Tyler Brown Williams

Oh oh let’s go, nobody knows
Let the wind take us away
Oh wherever we go, I hope that you know
That I’m gonna love you for all of my days

I’ll Follow You, by Shinedown

Yeah the first step is the one you believe in
And the second one might be profound.

I See the Light, by Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi

All those days chasing down a daydream
All those years living in a blur
All that time never truly seeing
Things, the way they were

May I, by Trading Yesterday

May I hold you as you fall to sleep
When the world is closing in
And you can’t breathe here
May I love you, may I be your shield
When no one can be found
May I lay you down

Last Love Song, by ZZ Ward

All these notes and all these words,
Are all that’s left in me,
Bend these pages, count my woes,
One last song to set me free

And that’s it!

I Tag:

Whoever the heckle wants to do this thing!

8

It’s All About Me, and Who I Am (Tag)

I found this tag via Lauren @ Wonderless Reviews on this post right over HERE!  Thanks, Lauren–you always have the bestest tags!

Vital Stats

IMG_20160517_132603

Name: Elizabeth
Nicknames: Beth, Bethy, Bethly (I miss you, Grandpa), RizzedBeth, Liz
Birthday: March 8th
Star Sign: Pisces
Occupation: Retail/Cashier

Appearance 

Hair colour: Mostly brown
Hair length: Short
Eye colour: Brown
Best Feature: Hmm… I like my eyes.  And my collarbones.
Piercings: Technically my ears are pierced, but I’m SOOPAH allergic to metal.  I can’t even wear the hypo-allergenic crap because I break out in about five minutes.  Also, I can’t afford the expensive gold crap, so… tada!
Tattoos: Not yet, but I’d love to get at least one someday!  It’s on my bucket list.
Right or Left: For wha?  I’m right-handed, if that’s what you’re asking…

Firsts 

Best Friend:  One of the…fourteen?!…kids who lived across the way from my grandma.  I don’t know why, but he and I clicked almost immediately when we were little, and were pretty much inseparable until he moved away.  I remember in kindergarten one day, I had a tummy ache.  He let me lean my head on his shoulder during story time.  I still think about him sometimes… I don’t know if he even remembers who I am.
Award: I don’t even remember.  Something for school.
Sport: Lmao I was never allowed to participate in sports.
Real Holiday: Uhm.  I dunno?  I don’t know if I’ve EVER been on a real holiday lol.
Concert: The Cool Whip guys came to our high school.  I guess I can count that, right?  ( and by Cool Whip guys, I mean Ball in the House )

Favourites

Film: I can’t pick just one!  Let’s see… The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride; Practical Magic; Pitch Perfect; Big Hero 6; Pirates of the Caribbean (the entire franchise); G.I. Jane; Dead Silence; 10 Things I Hate About You; How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days; Hope Floats; Moulin Rouge….I could keep going, but.
TV Show: Criminal Minds; Monsters Inside Me; Face Off; Boy Meets World AND Girl Meets World; Gilmore Girls
Colour: I mean, this changes depending on the day.  Today?  It’s these:


Song: I…you’re joking, right?  Tell me you’re joking?  How about I give you…uhm…three?  But you have to realize, these aren’t the ONLY ones!

Restaurant: I don’t really have one?  Mostly because I live in a TEENY TINY TOWN.  No really.
Shop: Again, I don’t *really* have one, because…we have literally none around here.
Books:

You really want to know?  Go here.

Currently 

Feeling: Tired and full.  YAY ham!
Single or Taken: Married.  So… what do you think?
Eating: Nothing.  Because just finished.  YAY ham!
Thinking About: Not much honestly.
Watching: Nothing.
Wearing: Plaid pajama pants and an orange-pink long sleeve.

Future

Want Children: Yes.  When the time’s right.
Want to be Married:  I already AM married.
Careers in Mind: Can… Can I just, like, read books for a living?  Or raise penguins?!
Where You Want To Live: I don’t really care, so long as it’s warm and dry and has the hubby in it.

Do you Believe …

God: Not really
Miracles: What do you mean by “miracles,” exactly?
Love at First Sight: Definitely NOT.
Ghosts: Definitely YES.
Aliens: Definitely YES.
Soul Mates: I believe there are different types of soul mates, so YES.
Heaven: Not “heaven” per se.
Hell: Naw.
Kissing on the First Date: *shrug* It’s your life, do what yah want!
Yourself: I try to.  It’s harder some days than others.  Today is a good day.

Tagging:

Whoever decides they wanna do the thing should totes DO THE THING!

11

Let’s Talk: Adulting

Penguin2.6

“Adulting”…and How I Manage It

Capture.JPGccinsider

Today I want to talk about “adulting” and all the struggles that come along with it. I found a great resource for helping people adult and want to share it. Looking into getting your first credit card? Don’t know where to start or what to keep in mind while researching your options? Want to read up on tips to using your credit card responsibly? Need to know things about interest rates, how to pay off your debts, or that one company that keeps calling you with offers? Check out Credit Card Insider! They’re an educational resource that can really help you make good financial decisions.

You’ve had those moments, right?  When you’re plugging along, all sparkles and sunshine…when suddenly, rain clouds!  Chaos!  COMPLETE AND UTTER DESTRUCTION!

Okay, maybe the last few are just me, but I think you get the point.  Adulting is HARD…but there are some ways to deal, and I’m going to share with you my personal favorites.

Let’s start by breaking this down.

Stress1

NO, this doesn’t mean I leash him up and take him out for walks!  Please note, this is also not nearly as awesome as Sam and Dean make it out to be!  Salt and iron do not work here.  This demon does not glitter OR accept pie bribes.

There is a lot of stress in my life, even leaving out the normal every day surprises.  With type 1 diabetes, I can’t ever turn off completely.  It’s not like I can come home from work and reboot by shutting down.  I mean…that would be soooo nice, but never gonna happen!

Instead, I’ve figured out some (mostly) foolproof ways to get my mind off whatever’s bugging me!  Aside from singing “I Feel Pretty” and scaring the world even more than I already do, that is.

Soft pillows, warm blankets, and SNUGGLES!

For me, obviously, the snuggles come from the husband.  However, any soft floofy thing should do perfectly if your’re in a bind!  Unless it’s an annoyed cat.  Snuggles and claws really don’t mix, trust me.

Music!

For me personally, the more depressing the BETTER…because I’m backwards like that.

My Favorite Movies
Very Hot Showers
Adorable Animal GIFs
Scented Candles

Beating Things Up-Lego Style!

You will need: a gaming console, the Lego game of your choice, and lots of pent-up aggression.

and, of course,

Reading!

which brings us to…

Stress3

because I can hear you all now.  “But BETH!” you say, “you buy books CONSTANTLY!  How do you not break your bank account?!”

I’m just going to lay these out all neat and list-like…feel free to ask me questions about them, if you want more information, down below!

–Kindle/ereader book sales are my BESTEST friends.  No, really!
–Netgalley for the win!
–Sign up for book tours, or look for authors seeking honest reviews!  You usually get ARC copies of books this way.
–Giveaways, book trades, etc!  There’s even a Books for Trade Hashtag on the twitter, if you’re interested…
–Library sponsored book sales!  because most libraries do this, I think, you just need to check for a schedule in your town.
–Kindle Unlimited (it’s $9.99 a month but there are some AWESOME books on there, and you have access to literally all of them there are.  Sort of like a kindle library loaning system)

and finally…

Stress2

I mean, maybe I’m not the BEST person to ask advice on this topic from…but…this is how I approach this, personally.

The first thing you need to know is:  The husband and I keep our bank accounts separate.  Right now, this is just easier–he has his own designated bills to pay each month, and I have mine, and it for the most part works.  It’s not for everybody, obvs…but we’re not everybody, so.

So when approaching my upcoming bills/monthly payments, I rank them in order of importance…and ALWAYS make sure I have money for each of the following:

Diabetes Medications/Insurance Premium

These ALWAYS come first for me, because it is literally death without them.  Thankfully, my deductible will be met THIS MONTH, which means I’ll be saving SO. MUCH. MONEY…but the last four months, it’s gone like this:

–Do I need one, or both, insulins this month?  If one, set aside $250.  If both, freak out and find a way to set aside $580.
–Insurance always comes out around the 18th.  Set aside $378.
–Do I need syringes?  Set aside $30.
–I need test strips every week to a week and a half.  Set aside $40 each time (approx $80 a month)
–Do I need to see the doctor this month?  $40 copay.
–Other medications need refilled?  $10 total.

This has been the most stressful part of this year, honestly.  Do the math for a sec.  If I have to buy all these things in one month, that’s a total of… $1,118.  That’s how much is costs for me to stay alive another 30 days, if all of those things above must be done.  I make approximately $1,300 a month.  It gets HARD, very quickly.

Rent/Utilities

The husband and I split this, so I always have a little money coming from him at the end of the month.

If things get tight, and they do more often than we’d like right now (again, YAY for deductibles being met this month!) we buy super cheap groceries.  Pasta, hot dogs, lunch meats, mashed potatoes, hamburger, unhealthy frozen dinners… It’s better this than starving, honestly!

After Everything Else…

we take stock, and if there’s extra money, we sometimes allow ourselves to splurge a little.  Usually, this means Beth buys books.  And I mean actual books, here.  Also, this means Beth gets Lit Cube back!  Which, of course, is super exciting.


Things ALWAYS come up, though, guys.  The unexpected happens.  Hospital bills, emergency dentist visits, the car throws a tantrum and breaks down…I mean, real life, right?!

At the end of the day, all you can really do is take a deep breath, let the butterflies in your stomach loose…and start again tomorrow.  Life’s too short to waste on ulcers.

How do YOU guys “adult”–and would you like to share your tips or tricks with me?  Feel free to leave your thoughts below–I’d love to talk with you about this!  Also, be sure to check out Credit Card Insider for answers and/or help with any of your credit card woes!

Until next time, happy book-ing!

New Sig

11

The Entertainer Blogger Award

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HUGE thanks to Anna @ Space Cats and Books for nominating me for this award!  You can see her nomination post right over HERE!

HERE ARE THE RULES:

  • Write a post with the award picture.
  • Nominate 12 other bloggers who are funny, inspiring, and, most important of all, ENTERTAINING!
  • Add these rules to the post.
  • Thank the person who nominated you and leave a link to their blog!
  • Also, answer these questions down below!

Before I begin…can we, like, agree to make awards with INTERESTING questions in the future?!  I mean don’t get me wrong, okay, but seeeeeriously–it’s always the same questions.  I get bored easily!

No worries, no worries… I’ll suffer through it for you guys.

1. Why did you start a blog in the first place?

It’s a pretty easy answer, really.  I’d had a tumblr for…I don’t know how long, and wasn’t finding what I wanted there in terms of community.  So I branched out, realized I had a wordpress sitting around in the dark collecting cobwebs (yay me? I don’t even know why I started this blog in the first place) and VOILA!  Here I be!

Of course, all you lovely readers helped–thanks for being epical and glittery!

2. What is your favorite book?

Why do people always assume I’m going to have only one?!  REAL BOOK ADDICTS CAN NEVER PICK JUST ONE!  I mean really, it’s like potato chips…can YOU eat only one potato chip!?  I didn’t think so.  (if you don’t like potato chips, feel free to stick your own brand of addiction in there–chocolate chips, peanut butter balls, strawberries….)

To answer the question, though, I’ll direct you to two different goodreads folders:

5 Penguin Reads

Life Ruiners

3. What do you dislike the most?

What…do you mean in terms of books?  Pet peeves?  Music?  Food?  I don’t… I’m a reader, YOU MUST be more specific!

Let’s see… in terms of books:  insta-love and cliff-hanger endings (and by this, I mean the UNNECESSARY ones.  I don’t mind the normal cliff-hanger sometimes, but not every book in a series HAS to have one, you know?!)

In terms of…everything else?… I haaaaate when people say “living the dream” or “just another day in paradise” in response to asking how they are.  Don’t do that, okay?  I don’t need your back-handed sarcasm.

4. What is your favorite food item from the mall?

Pretzels.  OH.  MAH.  GOSH.  Pretzels.

5. What is your favorite pastime activity?

I mean…have you, uhm… Have you been around these parts long?

Aside from the obvious…

Music.  Movies.  TV shows.  I have a burgeoning love of Anime happening.  And sometimes I write, though…not as much as I should.  Because WHO HAS TIME?!

I Nominate:

Lauren @ Wonderless Reviews

Bia and Cass @ bandcbooks

Aya @ A Blessed Brownie

Cat @ The Book Finch

Michelle @ Book Adventures

Deanna @ A Novel Glimpse

Ashley @ Socially Awkward Bookworm

Carrie @ Carrie’s Book Reviews

Lila @ The Bookkeeper’s Secrets

Book Babe Reviews

Kath @ Kath Reads

Book Haunt

6

The Secret Life of a Book Blogger

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I was tagged by Lauren over at Wonderless Reviews in this post right HERE!

If you don’t know Lauren yet, you really need to go fix that.  Like, right now.  GO!  I promise this post will still be here when you get back!

(Also, she has a tendency to throw glitter.  It’s sort of like

except, like, all the time! Total win, if you ask me.)

How long have you been a blogger?

According to wordpress, I’ve had this blog for over FIVE YEARS!  I’ve only actively been using it for about one, though.  So… yeah.

At what point do you think you will stop?

LOL no, uhm.  I honestly don’t know?  I guess when I find it’s no longer fun.  Or something.

What is the best thing?

PENGUINS! AND COOKIES! AND CHOCOLATE! AND MUSIC! AND….

Wait, you meant about blogging!  😄

PENGUINS! AND PEOPLE! AND PEOPLE WHO LOVE THE PENGUINS!

Does that answer your question?

What is the worst thing? What do you do to make it okay?

Book.  Haul.  Envy.

LOL this gets me.  This gets me every time.

How long does it take to find/create pictures to use?

Whaaaaaat?! I don’t need pictures. Pshhhhhh, just LOOK AT THE PENGUINS!  Look at the penguins and it’ll aaaaaaall be okay!

Who’s your book crush?

I always come back to Liam.  Always, always, alwaaaaaays.

What author would you like to have on your blog?

Do people legitimately only pick ONE author for this question?! O.o

I just… I don’t know that I should even start listing them off, because we’d be here LITERALLY for the rest of forever, but let’s see…

Natalia Jaster.  Emily Henry.  Sophia Elaine Hanson.

I think right now, they’re top three.

What do you wear when you write your blog?

I live in my pajamas when I’m not working.  So, warm long sleeves (because winter right now) and fuzzy soft pants!

How long does it take you to prepare?

How do you feel about the book blogger community/culture?

CAAAAAAN you feel the LOOOOOOOVE tonight?!  Because I do–it’s EVERYWHERE in this community, and that makes this community awesome.

What do you think one should do to have a successful blog?

Okay, guys–this is gonna be hard!

  1. Write what you want to.
  2. Post it.
  3. Do you like it?  That’s all that matters!
  4. LOOK, YOU’RE A STAR!

Who do you tag?

Lesseeeeeeeeee…

Britt @ Geronimo Reads

Lissy @ Lissy Reads

Samantha @ The Book Disciple

Lola @ Hit or Miss Books

Cat @ They Used to Dance