Obviously I’m one of those who is still trying to get the hang of things. That being said…let me just update y’all on some of the stuff and things that have taken place since…uh…. Well, since the dawning of the NEW new Penguin Overlord: Ruler of the World ….?!
So. About a year ago (almost to the day in fact) I packed all my things into boxes, loaded a truck, and moved out of Wyoming. I’d lived there for 25 years or so; I was tired of the town, tired of the people, and tired of everyone knowing exactly who I was and exactly what my life story was. I needed out–desperately. I’d just gotten divorced several months earlier; I decided on a whim to give a different relationship, one I’d been secretly hoping for YEARS ago, a chance.
I moved. And the second I got here…things basically fell apart at the same time that they were falling together. I don’t know how much I’ve talked about this here, so… just a small rundown on things. I stopped reading/blogging because he felt that perhaps I needed to try to spend more time with him. Okay, that’s fine–I was also working a LOT more, suddenly, than I ever had before, so my book blogging sort of fell to the curbside and got lost. I missed it…but there were other, more important things for me to focus on.
Except….it turns out there really weren’t. This relationship? The one I’d been hoping for so many years ago? The one I thought might change EVERYTHING? Ended up being exactly more of the same thing I’ve always found myself getting. Which….I mean, thinking about it now, I guess I should have known better. Fall into the same old habits, you’re bound to end up in the same damn place, right? On Halloween, he called things off.
And it crushed me. Absolute, 100%, positively BROKE everything in me. I haven’t felt that broken in…. a long time, Penguins. But it also, in a way, acted as the kick in the head I needed. Because suddenly I realized that I’ve spent so much of my time trying to just disappear into someone else, I’ve basically always been asking to end up exactly here. So I picked myself up. I dusted myself off. And I made myself a promise: I would stop hiding. I would face life head-on. I would get out there and try new things and ACTUALLY TAKE THE STEPS NEEDED to change myself, because that was the only way I was going to change or break the cycle.
I started by breaking the wall I’d molded around myself. Which was, all things considered, pretty easy to do–one small tap and suddenly the me from way down deep was thrust into the world and highlighted. Almost immediately, all the stresses and worries I’d been drowning beneath evaporated–because I, with one breath, accepted and fell in love with who I REALLY am.
It’s a process, Penguins. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that every day has been a breeze, because it hasn’t. I still struggle–I’ll probably always struggle, honestly. You can’t take a soul that’s been as broken as mine and expect it to gloss itself up and be beautiful every moment. It doesn’t work that way. But I wake up in the mornings DETERMINED to make at least a tiny part of each day beautiful–and so far, I’ve done exceptionally well with that.
I’ve also put myself out there a bit. I downloaded Tinder (because why not?) and met someone I might otherwise have missed out on. We’re not currently exclusive or labeled, but we’ve been “hanging out”–and it’s a good thing. It’s SUCH a good thing. And it’s so, so different from what I’ve done in the past. I am determined to make this–to make the new me–work, and I’m determined to break the pattern. Which is why I am, as of current, determined to keep trekking the way I have been. Because while I’m “seeing” someone….it’s not a relationship, per se. It’s not throwing myself back down the rabbit hole. I am learning just as much about myself as he is, and I’m loving what I’m finding–and I refuse to let myself disappear again.
Which brings me to my actual topic here. This blog. I will be, once again, moving in the very near future–living with the recent ex has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, emotionally. It’s an emotional hurricane, honestly. So I’m moving in with a few friends of mine and their menagerie of pets, which should be better for everyone. But I also WANT to get back into blogging. I’ve missed the Book Block, Penguins. I’ve missed screaming at random passersby about books that have broken me and characters that should never have broken.
I miss ALL OF YOU. AND I MISS BOOKS!
So help me out, if you want. Head over to my goodreads shelf — CLICK HERE FOR NIFTY LINKAGE –and pick out a book (or several!) you want to see me read and review in the future. LEAVE ME A COMMENT with the titles of those books–and I will do my absolute very very best to actually READ THOSE BOOKS next year.
Ready? Set? GOGOGO!