Dear Bookish Waddler:
BOW DOWN TO ME, YOUR NEW RULER!
Step away from the pages, close out of goodreads, stop scrolling through bookstagram! As of this moment, you WILL do as I say, because….
Oh, who am I kidding?! I’ll never take over the world. I’m not intimidating or scary or even TALL. I’m just a tiny floof of panda with dreams too big to hold.
Tell me, TELL ME, Penguin–how do I make this thing happen!? HOW do I take over as ruler and grand vizier of everything?
Please, send help!
I’m So Nervous, I’m Binge-Eating Bamboo
That was SO stinkin’ adorable, I’m not sure how to even handle myself right now! I can only imagine littly floofy you wielding your bamboo stick like a scepter, chest puffed up and head held high!
Seriously, don’t ever shave your fur–the scariest critters are the ones no one suspects, so you’ve already got that working for you.
As for the rest, here’s what I recommend……
Even the cute and cuddly can be dark, evil villains deep down inside! Just take Pinky and the Brain, for instance–they’re teensy lab rats, but they hold onto their dreams and refuse to give in.
What you need is a mantra–something that will inspire and motivate you in rough moments. If you believe you’re all-powerful, it’s only a matter of time before you ARE all-powerful.
I’ll be the first to bow at your feet….but I don’t recommend making your mantra out of Fuzzy Wuzzy. That goes back to the whole “never shave your fur” advice I gave you not long ago.
Don’t do it!
Because ruling the world is hard work, and even the most evil of evil villains need to sleep sometime! Appointing a sidekick saves you both a headache and your sanity (unless you WANT? to be insane, in which case, scratch this out entirely) Plus, it’s nice to have someone to lean on when certain plots fall through loopholes ooooor certain superheroes screw things up.
Not to toot my own horn, but… I’m currently available. I’m booksmart, I’m reliable, and I’m willing to do whatever’s needed to make your dreams reality. All I need it your guarantee I’ll have all the tuna I could ever want.
Plus, we’d look fantabulous all up in our black and white. Think about it.
Paper just isn’t intimidating. At ALL. I get it, you’re new to this, but trust me–letters are the worst way to go.
If you really want to make a statement (and hold the world at attention), you need to go BIG. And I don’t mean big in a, “my momma’s gonna be SO proud of me!” type way. I mean GARGANTUAN. MASSIVE. “My momma’s so proud of me, she’s TERRIFIED and sort of wants to call the police!”
It’s a good thing I’ve got your back–you’re all set to take over TV and internet broadcasting tomorrow afternoon.
Which reminds me, you might want to throw a speech together. I don’t need you looking a fool in front of everyone after all the work I’ve gone to for you!
THIS is probably the most important piece of advice I could ever give you. If you don’t talk like, hold yourself like, or look like the most evil of evil villains in the world….no one, and I mean NO ONE, is going to take you seriously. They’ll turn off the TV, pick up their children, and go about their lives. And nothing will have changed.
SO LOOK THE PART!
How do you do this? Well, that’s up to you. You could chisel your teeth into fangs, sharpen your claws into razors, and paint yourself red with blood. You could keep yourself tidy but dress to the nines in steampunk and lace. You could walk around in only your fur, and carry the dead on a pike.
Figure out the message you want to send, and then stick with it!
And that, my poofy friend, is how you put your plan into motion! Of course, you’ll have to figure out the specifics–how you’re going to punish the rebels, what you expect the world to do under your reign, any and every escape clause you can think of because you and I BOTH know them foxes be clever and will likely attempt to murder you for the throne.
Personally, I’m hoping to see a dystopian come of this–those are always the most entertaining reads!
But you better work quickly, if you’re serious. Your cue for the camera comes in less than a day! I hope you’re ready to get those paws dirty.
Your (hopeful) partner–
***P.S. You can all blame Annelise for this post.***