The following ideas are not recommended for long-term, book-induced insomnia relief. They may cause: comas; permanent injury; altered cognitive state; unplanned vacations through old wardrobes, strange rabbit holes, and the space-time continuum; the incorrect and improper usage of books for the rest of forever.
These steps are meant for the most desperate of book addicts ONLY. Please exercise extreme caution when seeking the wormholes to dreamland with these ideas.
This post is not suitable for children; anyone with brittle bones; or those who can’t commit to the pain and frustration these techniques might bring.
Please ask your doctor about
The Not-So-Brilliant Ways Book Addicts can get MORE Sleep
Seriously, guys. I’m sure you’ve all been there at least once. It’s late at night, you should have entered LaLaLand via the eyelid express HOURS ago, and you just CAN’T. STOP. READING.
Books are tricky little devils, aren’t they? They whisper promises and sweet nothings in our ears, seduce us into picking them up at very inconvenient moments for just one sentence, just one page, just one chapter, JUST ONE….
and then OOPS! Suddenly, it’s three am, you have to greet the sun at seven, and you’ve finished the entire book. Calling guilt! Shame! Very sore eyes! Heartache.
So how do dedicated book addicts release their grips of death on said devils and get some much-needed shut eye?
Coat your books with lavender oil. Every single one. Every single page.
“But Beth!” you say. “Won’t that ruin the books?!”
Well….perhaps. But you’ll never read them anyway; pick them up and you’ll be snoozing away before you even hit the first word. Win!
Listen closely: Pick up book. Open. Read the first word. Exert TREMENDOUS willpower. Close book. Put book on desk. Lay head on book.
TADA! Pillow acquired. Sleep pretty!
Now, this one’s a bit more advanced. It also requires interacting with OTHER people! I know, know–it’s shocking. I can’t believe it could ever come to this. But, well…we’re desperate, right?
Know another book addict? Find out their favorite book. Ignore any impulse you may have to squee and fangirl over it with them. Wait until the conversation has moved on to fluffier things…and then strike like a cobra!
Something like, “You know, I’ve never read The Fault in Our Stars” should work beautifully. Stand back and wait for the hardcovers to fly.
Find a bookshelf (or, better yet, a ROW of bookshelves!) Stand at one end. Scream out, “I HAVE NOT READ The Fault in Our Stars!”
Wait for insanity to overtake the rest of the customers. We’re all zombies at heart, guys. This shouldn’t take long.
DO NOT RUN AWAY when the bookshelf dominoes begin. Desperation, remember?
And there you have it!
Several not-so-brilliant (and possibly quite painful) ways book addicts prone to bookish insomnia can MAYBE get more sleep!
(Also, I wasn’t lying-I really haven’t read The Fault in Our Stars)
How do you all release your book monsters and find a way to sleep? Would you (or have you) ever considered any of the above? Let me know what you think below!
Until next time, happy book-ing!